Q: “I’m Sure My Mom Has ADHD, But She Refuses to Be Evaluated.”
“If you are convinced that your mother has ADHD, then you don’t have to wait for a formal diagnosis to help her manage her symptoms and have more productive interactions.”
Q: “I have ADHD. My mother is 66, and I’m convinced she has ADHD, too. But she refuses to seek a diagnosis. How can I talk to her about the benefits of ADD understanding and treatment later in life?”
If you are trying to convince a loved one to get evaluated and/or to start treatment for ADHD, you already know the conversations can be frustrating and the decision is theirs alone. You can’t force a loved one to accept help, but you can lovingly nudge them in the right direction.
1. Start with shared experiences
Since you mention that you have ADHD, it may help to talk to your mother about your own symptoms and the experiences that led to your diagnosis. Ask if any of your experiences or challenges resonate with her. You can start to bridge the gap by sharing commonalities.
[Get This Free Download: ADHD in Older Adults]
2. Frame it as an opportunity
Even if your mother concedes to having symptoms, she may say, “What’s the point of getting diagnosed? I’ve lived this long without being treated.” To that, you can say, “If there were a way that your memory, forgetfulness, emotions, and overall functioning could improve, would you want to take the opportunity to explore it?” Another way to frame it: “If you had poor vision, would you try glasses to help you see better?”
If your mother agrees, then you’ve identified a common goal, which is crucial in negotiating. A possible small next step is to ask your mother, “If improving your memory is a goal of yours, can I get you to see this clinician who’s an expert in memory and cognition and see what they have to say?” (You may want to avoid saying “an expert in ADHD” since older people tend to only associate ADHD with children. It’s best to cite the symptoms the doctor can treat to increase buy-in.) This may have to happen over multiple conversations before you see results.
It helps to keep in mind that people generally don’t seek help for symptoms. Rather, we seek help when we experience distressing impairments that affect daily life, whether we see it or if it’s pointed out by others. If you frame discussions around how your mom may be suffering unnecessarily rather than on symptoms, she may be more open to seeking help.
3. Change your own perspective
If your mother still refuses to seek evaluation or treatment, then it’s time to focus your efforts on what you can control. If you are convinced that your mother has ADHD, then you don’t have to wait for a formal diagnosis to help her manage her symptoms and have more productive interactions with her. If you know your mother is forgetful, then rely on written information and reminders to help jog her memory. Expect your mother to show up late to events if she struggles with time management.
[Read: The Transformative Power of an ADHD Diagnosis for Older Women]
No matter the problem, don’t say, “Mom, why can’t you do this?!” Simply operate under the assumption that your mother has untreated ADHD, a condition that causes impairments and difficulty with functioning, and is doing the best she can.
My Mom Has ADHD: Resources on ADD in Older Adults
- Read: The Transformative Power of an ADHD Diagnosis for Older Women
- Read: ADHD in Older Adults — Distinct Diagnostic and Treatment Considerations
- Read: “I’m Newly Diagnosed at 90 — and So Thankful”
The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “ADHD in Older Adults: Clinical Guidance and Implications” [Video Replay & Podcast #499] with David Goodman, M.D., LFAPA., which was broadcast on April 4, 2024.
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