Relationships

Stop Walking On (or Throwing Down) Eggshells in Your Relationship

RSD may cause you or your partner to become easily defensive, fall into shame spirals, and poison your couples communication. Learn how to break those patterns and strengthen intimacy here.

By Sharon Saline, Psy.D. Updated on May 9, 2025
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Q: My partner and I have ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria. We feed off each other’s negativity. He reacts defensively or spitefully. I self-isolate or spiral into shame. How can we end this cycle?

A: People with rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) experience extreme emotional pain related to real or imagined rejection, and they often respond intensely to any perceived injury or threat. In relationships marked by RSD, it’s difficult for one partner to separate amid distress.

Follow these four strategies to reduce conflict and halt toxic patterns.

#1. QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally)

Listen to your gut. If your partner’s bad mood really about you? If you’re lecturing, yelling, or interrupting instead of listening to your partner, ask yourself, “Why am I talking?”

#2. Use a ‘Takeback of the Day’

Here’s how this forgiveness freebie works: Each day, you or your partner can say, “I said something I regret. I’d like it to be my takeback.” Then the receiver agrees to take a breath and figure out how to forgive the partner without resentment.

[Read: How ADHD Impacts Sex and Marriage]

#3. Extend the Benefit of the Doubt

Don’t assume your partner has done something purposely harmful, painful, inappropriate, or irresponsible. Get some clarity by using “I” statements such as “I’m curious about,” “I wonder,” “It’s confusing to me,” “I was surprised,” or “It hurt me when…”

#4. Follow These STEPS

This five-step plan can help dysregulated couples reverse course, cool down, and move forward.

  • Self-control. During intense conversations, focus on the physical signals that suggest you’re becoming activated. Is your heart beating faster? Are you perspiring or speaking louder? You can avoid a massive eruption if you catch your dysregulation early.
  • Time apart. Establish a plan for signaling when you need a break during a conflict (one of my clients says, “giraffe”) and for taking time apart to cool down and stabilize. Agree on what works for both of you.
  • Evenness. Being accountable for your actions returns relationships to baseline. Consider why you are upset and what you could have done or said differently. How can you express your thoughts or desires more effectively and empathically next time?
  • Practice reflective listening. When intense feelings escalate, designate one person as the talker and the other as the listener. The talker says what’s on their mind, uninterrupted, for a set time. Then, the listener reflects and repeats what they heard – “What I heard you say is X. Did I get that right? Is there anything else?” Reset the timer and switch roles so each person is heard.
  • Strategize. Set small goals that nurture positive connections. Schedule monthly date nights, or make it a daily goal to recognize something your partner did for which you’re thankful or grateful (e.g., “Thanks for cooking dinner.” “I really liked how you folded my clothes.”).

[Read: How ADHD Ignites RSD]

Q: As the non-ADHD partner, my concerns rarely get addressed. Everything I bring up is taken as a criticism or an attack that elicits strong reactions from my partner. I feel stuck and unheard, always walking on eggshells. What can I do?

A: Your question signals that you and your partner are not connecting as equals. I recommend discussing how to comfortably ask for help using questions based on curiosity, not blame.

  • “How do we want to ask each other for help and support? The way we’re doing it isn’t working.”
  • “When I tell you something, it seems that your reaction is anger and defensiveness. How should I say things in a way that would be easier for you to hear?”
  • “How can I help you slow down and manage your feelings?”
  • “I noticed that you looked at me. Was there anything behind that look? I’m prone to interpreting that look as a criticism, and I’m wondering what the thinking was behind it.”

If you are uncomfortable having this conversation, I strongly encourage you to find a couples therapist.

Hurt Feelings & Shame Spirals: Next Steps

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of The ADHD Solution Deck.

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