The Impossible Burden of Motherhood
The division of labor in ADHD families is seriously lopsided. A new survey reveals that women shoulder more parenting responsibility and housework than men and feel intense family stress, mom guilt and, ultimately, burnout.
The invisible load of motherhood isn’t so invisible when you study the data.
In a recent survey of 2,263 ADDitude readers, mothers reported that they handle 15 percent more parenting responsibilities than do fathers – no matter their ADHD diagnosis, job, or marital status. In other words, mothers with ADHD shoulder the same unequal division of labor as mothers without ADHD – but with the added burden on weak executive functioning and emotional regulation skills.
While gender roles may be evolving, the gap in the division of household labor and childcare hasn’t narrowed. Mothers still spend more time managing schedules, planning meals, organizing, and doing other household tasks. Needless to say, this lopsided burden of responsibilities takes a mental and emotional toll on neurodivergent women in particular.
“We all have ADHD, but I’m alone at the helm,” wrote one married, 45-year-old mother of two who works full-time and reports fulfilling 90 percent of the daily parenting duties, “They are all passengers, even though I’m just as impaired as they are. It’s profoundly unfair. I have the same condition as my kids and spouse, and I fail at supporting everyone. It’s devastating.”
Division of Labor in ADHD Families
According to the survey, 76 percent of women with ADHD said they experience guilt related to parenting and ADHD; only half of men said the same. Likewise, 63 percent of women with ADHD said they often or always feel judged by others for their parenting, compared to just 25 percent of men.
Mothers were also less likely to feel satisfied with the division of parenting labor in two-parent families, less likely to feel supported as parents, and less likely to find time for self-care. In contrast, the survey found that fathers reported taking 64 percent more time each week for “exercise, hobbies, self-care, socializing, or ‘me-time’” than mothers did.
Compared to their female counterparts, fathers said they were 34 percent more satisfied with their exercise and wellness, 20 percent more satisfied with their diet and nutrition, and 18 percent more satisfied with their hobbies. The bottom line: Men are doing better, and they are doing less.
[Self-Test: Am I Burnt Out? 14 Questions That Reveal Symptoms of Burnout]
Family Stress + Mental Load = Mom Burnout
Where is all of this headed? If you guessed straight into massive, flaming burnout for mothers with ADHD, you were right, according to the nearly 60 percent of mothers with ADHD who reported this. They also said that they were dissatisfied with every facet of their own wellbeing:
Overall, moms with ADHD reported more stress than their male or non-ADHD counterparts in 12 out of 14 parenting domains, including keeping up with daily routines and schedules, housework, and meals. Only 8 percent said they feel “fully supported.”
[Free Resource: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]
“I wish people understood how difficult it can be to manage the mental load of a family while navigating ADHD myself,” wrote a 41-year-old mother of two who works full-time and reports fulfilling 60 percent of parenting responsibilities. “It’s not just about staying organized but also finding the energy to handle tasks when my executive function is already stretched thin. Balancing this dynamic takes constant effort and communication.”
“Stress fried my nervous system…. I was distracted, disorganized, and crashing,” wrote another mother. “I developed chronic pelvic pain, fibromyalgia, migraines, mood issues, and chronic fatigue. And yet, doing self-care was so hard that it didn’t happen until I completely burned out.”
What Moms Wish They Had Known Sooner
ADDitude asked readers: What advice do you wish someone had given you about motherhood with ADHD?
- “Find friends who get you and find a good therapist. Don’t dwell on whether you are doing it right. Your journey will look different, but accept the child you have.”
- “It isn’t a moral failure to have problems with organization or motivation.”
- “You don’t need to explain or justify your parenting to strangers. You don’t know their story and they don’t know yours.”
- “Help your children feel accepted and loved; that’s the most important thing.”
- “Lead with love, don’t be scared to admit fault, apologize profusely, and be extremely fluid. Your ADHD child needs to know that you are human.”
- “Forget every piece of age-old parenting ‘wisdom’ you’ve ever heard. Instead, seek out experts who understand neurodivergence – because we wouldn’t use a suburban house’s electrical schematics to wire a space shuttle.”
- “Since I started learning about my ADHD, I am a better parent and person. I don’t feel as horrible about my shortcomings and have more forgiveness for myself.”
- “Find someone who is going to support you and push you to improve.”
- “Do not measure yourself against neurotypical people.”
Division of Labor in ADHD Homes: Next Steps
- Watch: Living with ADHD – It’s Different for Women
- eBook: Women with ADHD
- Learn: Married with ADHD – How Real Couples Make It Work
Anni Layne Rodgers is General Manager at ADDitude.
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