Friendships

Q: “Why Do I Attract Emotionally Draining People?”

“Not everyone who vents or overshares is toxic. But a pattern of one-sidedness and lack of reciprocity could indicate that it is not worth entering into or continuing a relationship with someone.”

Caroline Maguire
By Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC Updated on May 7, 2025
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Q: “Though I have ADHD, oversharing isn’t a problem for me. Overhearing is. I listen more than I talk in conversations, the result being that I often attract emotionally draining people who are desperate to unload. My ‘friendships’ end up one-sided, with me being the sounding board/shoulder to cry on and constantly giving, but not feeling like there’s space to open up myself. How can I strike a balance?”

The ADHD tendencies to feel emotions deeply and people-please are partly at work here. You’re a great listener because you’re empathetic and you care. You take it upon yourself to heal others’ wounds and make them feel better. Past social challenges and experiences with rejection may have made you more inclined to let anyone into your life, even those who drain you. No matter the reason, here are strategies for setting boundaries.

Is It All About Them?

Not everyone who vents or overshares is toxic. But a pattern of one-sidedness and lack of reciprocity could indicate that it is not worth entering into or continuing a relationship with someone. How does the person respond, for example, when you open up about yourself? Do they redirect the conversation back to themselves, or do they care about what you have to say and give you the space to share? When you change topics to a shared interest, are they receptive to it, or does the subject end up going back to them? Be aware of other early red flags to help you determine if someone is truly toxic or simply opening up to you (and giving you permission to do the same). Use this friendship red flags exercise to guide you.

[Is Your Friendship Toxic? Take This Quiz to Find Out]

Don’t Fear Silence

You note that you’re an ‘overhearer.’ Could it be that you unintentionally encourage others to dominate the conversation to fill in gaps? Practice being comfortable in silence, even if it feels awkward. Sometimes, a simple acknowledgment like, “That sounds tough,” without probing further, can be enough. You can also say, “I’m not sure what to say next.” Pauses can give you a moment to collect your thoughts and can signal to the other person that it’s their turn to listen.

Set Rules for Yourself

Think about how long and how much you need to know someone before you’ll give your time and attention to them. What do you need to see from them in terms of reciprocity?

When someone is venting, pause to consider if you really want to engage deeply and how you’ll practice assertiveness to balance the conversation.

Emotionally Draining People: Friendship Resources

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Oversharing and Underinvesting: The Social Traps That Snare ADHD Adults [Video Replay & Podcast #496] with Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, which was broadcast on March 14, 2024.

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