The ramifications of abuse are dire and, in some cases, life-threatening: half of female homicide victims are killed by current or former partners.² The consequences of psychological abuse — the most frequent kind of IPV and often a precursor to physical violence — are no less critical. Research shows that psychological abuse is an even stronger predictor of post-traumatic stress disorder and depression than is physical abuse.³

Though intimate partner violence is startlingly common and harmful, many avenues can lead victims to help and health care providers are instrumental in connecting patients to these paths. Though traditional IPV screening is an effective intervention, it’s not the only one. For some providers, distributing safety cards may be a better fit.

The size of business cards, these safety cards contain information about the red flags and health consequences of IPV. They share contact information for hotlines as well as guidance for safely seeking help, and they let people know they’re not alone.

“It takes 30 to 45 seconds to share the card, and it can change someone’s life,” says Tami Sullivan, Ph.D., director of Family Violence Research and Programs and professor at Yale University’s School of Medicine. “We hear from women with lived experience of violence: ‘Why didn’t anyone ever give me something like this? It could have made all the difference to me.’”

[Read: Why Do Toxic Relationships Swallow People with ADHD?]

Obstacles to IPV Screening

With traditional IPV screening, a provider uses a survey like the HITS (Hurt, Insult, Threaten, Scream) to detect if a patient is experiencing violence. This can be transformative.

“If you trust your provider, it can be a very empowering experience to connect with someone who can listen, make you feel less alone, talk to you about making decisions,” Sullivan says.

But several significant obstacles stand in the way of effective screening for IPV. Survivors may be hesitant to disclose their experiences of violence, fearful of retaliation by their partners, or of being reported to police and potentially losing custody of their children. They may worry they’ll be judged, blamed, or shamed. These concerns may be particularly salient for women with ADHD who receive near-constant criticism, correction, and judgement.

[Watch: “How to Avoid Toxic Relationships and Find Your Ideal Match”]

These obstacles contribute to relatively low rates of disclosure in IPV screenings; less than a quarter of women who have experienced IPV report disclosing this to a health care provider.⁴

The efficacy of screenings also relies on a meaningful response from the provider. Many providers don’t feel comfortable addressing such a sensitive and personal revelation because they’ve not received training in IPV.

“We shouldn’t expect people to develop expertise in responding,” Sullivan explains. “But we want the provider to feel comfortable enough so that they’re not being judgmental, so they can let the person know they’re heard, and connect them to someone who does have expertise.”

If a survivor reveals abuse on a survey and her disclosure is never addressed, or if it’s met with judgement, Sullivan explains, it can discourage her from revealing the abuse to others in the future.

Safety Cards: A Universal Approach

The part of IPV screening that helps survivors most, research has found, is the engagement with support services that happens after disclosure.⁵ This is where safety cards come in.

IPV safety cards, which are distinct from screening methods, bypass surveys altogether and take a direct path to offering help.

The method is simple: Providers order safety cards like these for free and hand them out to every female patient they see (without their partner present). The cards come in 10 languages and contain information about the red flags and health consequences of IPV. They also connect patients to support and resource hotlines

For providers looking for guidance on how to distribute the cards, Sullivan suggests the following language:

“We’ve started talking with all of our patients about relationship health and abuse in relationships, in case it’s ever an issue for them or for their friends and family. This card talks about healthy and safe relationships, ones that aren’t — and how relationships affect your health.”

Safety cards offer myriad benefits, including:

• Getting help to the people who need it, no questions asked. Offering resources to everyone, a universal education model, ensures that the women who need help will get access to it – regardless of whether they disclose abuse.
• Empowering women to help others. Many of the patients who receive cards may not be experiencing IPV, but they may know people who are. Safety cards enable these individuals to recognize abuse in the lives of loved ones, and empower them to offer helpful resources. Research found that people who received universal education were twice as likely as those who did not to share the number for an IPV hotline to someone in need.⁶
• De-stigmatizing conversations about IPV. Broaching the topic of intimate partner violence to all patients helps to break the taboo which often keeps women silent about their experience.
• Planting a seed for future action. It’s important for providers to distribute safety cards at every visit because it may take more than one interaction for patients to recognize abuse in their own lives, or to prepare themselves to consider next steps.  “Often, the cards plant a seed for future action. You give it to patients every time they come in so that it’s routine and becomes comfortable,” Sullivan says. “They come to understand that their relationships affect their health.”

While disclosures aren’t necessary in this IPV intervention, they may happen. When responding, providers should use non-judgmental, validating language, and avoid directing patients to take specific action. “It should never be a provider, trained or not, telling people what they should do,” Sullivan explains. “Though it’s likely well-intentioned, this prescriptive approach mimics the dynamics of abuse and disempowerment.”

Instead, follow the patient’s lead. “Let people know the supports available to them and listen to them,” suggests Sullivan. “You might ask: ‘Have you thought about what you want to do? Do you want help thinking about what makes sense? Would you like to call a helpline from this office?’”

What survivors of abuse need from providers, Sullivan explains, is autonomy, empathy, and information about their options for getting help.

To Order Free Safety Cards

• Visit Futures Without Violence.

Get Help

If you, or someone you love, is experiencing intimate partner violence, these resources may help

• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Call 800-799-7233 or text START to 8878
• Love Is Respect, for people aged 13-26, Call 866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 2252
• National Sexual Assault Helpline, Call 1-800-656-HOPE

Abusive Relationships and IPV Screening: Next Steps

• Read: “What Are the Signs of a Controlling Relationship?”
• Quiz: “Is My Relationship Toxic?” A Quiz for Adults with ADHD
• Read: How to Respond to Gaslighting — In Your Relationship and In Yourself

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹Guendelman MD, Ahmad S, Meza JI, Owens EB, Hinshaw SP. Childhood Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Predicts Intimate Partner Victimization in Young Women. J Abnorm Child Psychol. 2016 Jan;44(1):155-66. doi: 10.1007/s10802-015-9984-z. PMID: 25663589; PMCID: PMC4531111.

²Jack SP, Petrosky E, Lyons BH, et al. Surveillance for Violent Deaths — National Violent Death Reporting System, 27 States, 2015. MMWR Surveill Summ 2018;67(No. SS-11):1–32.

³Mechanic MB, Weaver TL, Resick PA. Mental health consequences of intimate partner abuse: a multidimensional assessment of four different forms of abuse. Violence Against Women. 2008 Jun;14(6):634-54. doi: 10.1177/1077801208319283. PMID: 18535306; PMCID: PMC2967430.

⁴Black MC, Basile KC, Breiding MJ, et al. The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2010 summary report. Atlanta, GA Natl Cent Inj Prev Control Centers Dis Control Prev. 2011;19:39-40.

⁵US Preventive Services Task Force; Curry SJ, Krist AH, Owens DK, Barry MJ, Caughey AB, Davidson KW, Doubeni CA, Epling JW Jr, Grossman DC, Kemper AR, Kubik M, Kurth A, Landefeld CS, Mangione CM, Silverstein M, Simon MA, Tseng CW, Wong JB. Screening for Intimate Partner Violence, Elder Abuse, and Abuse of Vulnerable Adults: US Preventive Services Task Force Final Recommendation Statement. JAMA. 2018 Oct 23;320(16):1678-1687. doi: 10.1001/jama.2018.14741. PMID: 30357305.

⁶Miller E, Tancredi DJ, Decker MR, et al. A family planning clinic-based intervention to address reproductive coercion: a cluster randomized controlled trial. Contraception. 2016;94(1):58-67. doi:10.1016/j.contraception.2016.02.009

A: People with rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) experience extreme emotional pain related to real or imagined rejection, and they often respond intensely to any perceived injury or threat. In relationships marked by RSD, it’s difficult for one partner to separate amid distress.

Follow these four strategies to reduce conflict and halt toxic patterns.

#1. QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally)

Listen to your gut. If your partner’s bad mood really about you? If you’re lecturing, yelling, or interrupting instead of listening to your partner, ask yourself, “Why am I talking?”

#2. Use a ‘Takeback of the Day’

Here’s how this forgiveness freebie works: Each day, you or your partner can say, “I said something I regret. I’d like it to be my takeback.” Then the receiver agrees to take a breath and figure out how to forgive the partner without resentment.

[Read: How ADHD Impacts Sex and Marriage]

#3. Extend the Benefit of the Doubt

Don’t assume your partner has done something purposely harmful, painful, inappropriate, or irresponsible. Get some clarity by using “I” statements such as “I’m curious about,” “I wonder,” “It’s confusing to me,” “I was surprised,” or “It hurt me when…”

#4. Follow These STEPS

This five-step plan can help dysregulated couples reverse course, cool down, and move forward.

• Self-control. During intense conversations, focus on the physical signals that suggest you’re becoming activated. Is your heart beating faster? Are you perspiring or speaking louder? You can avoid a massive eruption if you catch your dysregulation early.
• Time apart. Establish a plan for signaling when you need a break during a conflict (one of my clients says, “giraffe”) and for taking time apart to cool down and stabilize. Agree on what works for both of you.
• Evenness. Being accountable for your actions returns relationships to baseline. Consider why you are upset and what you could have done or said differently. How can you express your thoughts or desires more effectively and empathically next time?
• Practice reflective listening. When intense feelings escalate, designate one person as the talker and the other as the listener. The talker says what’s on their mind, uninterrupted, for a set time. Then, the listener reflects and repeats what they heard – “What I heard you say is X. Did I get that right? Is there anything else?” Reset the timer and switch roles so each person is heard.
• Strategize. Set small goals that nurture positive connections. Schedule monthly date nights, or make it a daily goal to recognize something your partner did for which you’re thankful or grateful (e.g., “Thanks for cooking dinner.” “I really liked how you folded my clothes.”).

[Read: How ADHD Ignites RSD]

Q: As the non-ADHD partner, my concerns rarely get addressed. Everything I bring up is taken as a criticism or an attack that elicits strong reactions from my partner. I feel stuck and unheard, always walking on eggshells. What can I do?

A: Your question signals that you and your partner are not connecting as equals. I recommend discussing how to comfortably ask for help using questions based on curiosity, not blame.

• “How do we want to ask each other for help and support? The way we’re doing it isn’t working.”
• “When I tell you something, it seems that your reaction is anger and defensiveness. How should I say things in a way that would be easier for you to hear?”
• “How can I help you slow down and manage your feelings?”
• “I noticed that you looked at me. Was there anything behind that look? I’m prone to interpreting that look as a criticism, and I’m wondering what the thinking was behind it.”

If you are uncomfortable having this conversation, I strongly encourage you to find a couples therapist.

Hurt Feelings & Shame Spirals: Next Steps

• Read: 11 Rules for Fighting Right and Forgiving Faster
• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: When You’re So Sensitive It Hurts
• Read: The One Ground Rule for Fighting Fair in an ADHD Marriage

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist and the author of The ADHD Solution Deck.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s never too late to begin building a bottom line, and here is how I would recommend getting started.

Step #1. Find a Good Job

Consider looking for full-time employment with benefits. A job that provides health insurance and an employer-provided retirement match will help you build financial stability now and for your future.

Look for jobs that use your ADHD strengths. Consider engaging jobs and environments that are fast-paced, creative, and varied. Depending on your educational background, it may be helpful to look for companies that offer tuition assistance so that you may return to school or receive additional training and move up to a better position with better pay.

[Free Download: ADHD-Friendly Budgeting Guide]

Step #2. Budget and Save

Use financial tools that work for your brain. Automate bill paying to reduce your mental load. For budgeting, use apps like You Need a Budget (YNAB) to track your spending. YNAB offers a structured way to visualize the flow of your money and has built-in warning signs to let you know if you’re getting off track.

Other free apps include EveryDollar and PocketGuard. Make it a habit to check in with your budget regularly.

Also, automate your savings. Make sure you’re putting money away for less frequent expenses, like medical copays, vet bills, car repairs, and emergencies. Knowing that you can cover unexpected expenses will give you peace of mind.

[Free Guide to Building Healthy Habits]

Step #3. Curb Spending

Tracking your daily expenses will help you stay within your budget boundaries and reduce impulsive spending. Consider enlisting a friend as an accountability buddy and help each other curtain spending sprees and maintain thrifty habits.

Step #4. Model Good Habits

Talk with your kids about the changes you’re experiencing and help them learn to make good financial decisions. Suggest that they do extra chores around the house or walk a neighbor’s dog to earn some money of their own. Model better spending and saving habits for your kids now to help them become responsible money managers in the future.

Financial Freedom After a Divorce: Next Steps

• Read: You’re Four Steps Away from Your Financial Security
• Webinar Replay: “The Social Traps That Snare ADHD Adults”
• Read: “How Do I Support My Child with ADHD During Our Divorce?”

Stephanie Berman in a money coach. She owns Berman Budgeting Basics, LLC, in Washington State.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Use the examples below to help you explain ADHD to your child in easy-to-understand language that diminishes shame and accentuates strengths.

Executive Dysfunction: A Short-Staffed Airport Control Tower

Our brains are like busy airports with control towers that guide the airplanes of executive function — planning, prioritizing, organizing, managing time, and other skills that help us get through everyday life — to take off and land smoothly.

Except the ADHD brain’s control tower isn’t always well-staffed. It often feels like you’re the only one who showed up to work! You scurry around ensuring that airplanes take off and land without incident — a feat that requires enormous amounts of energy. Sometimes, airplanes become delayed in their take off, or fail to take off altogether.

This is called executive dysfunction. It’s why an ordinary day at school feels so exhausting for you, and why some things may seem harder for you than for your classmates.

How to Support Executive Function Skills: Next Steps

• Read: Your Child’s 7 Executive Functions — and How to Boost Them
• Read: How to Sharpen Executive Functions — Activities to Hone Brain Skills
• Free Download: Common Executive Function Challenges — and Solutions

Regulation: A Volume Button (Sometimes) Gone Haywire

Do you sometimes feel absolutely stuck, unable to get started on your homework even though everyone tells you to “just do it?” Does it ever feel difficult to wind down and get to sleep?

If you answered yes, your brain’s volume button may be stuck or off kilter. The volume buttons in our brains help us regulate and moderate energy, emotions, appetite, sleep, and activity levels. In ADHD brains, the volume button sometimes gets jammed, or it develops a mind of its own, tuning to sound levels that don’t match your commands.

You know your volume button is at zero when it feels impossible to get anything done. It looks like a lack of motivation and procrastination. Maybe you have no appetite, and you struggle to get out of bed.

Sometimes, for no reason in particular, your brain’s volume button will ramp up to 100. Big feelings will flood your brain, your appetite will surge, and it will feel impossible to stop scrolling through social media or to turn off your video game. Even falling asleep will be difficult with a mind that is going full blast.

Self-Regulation: Next Steps

• Read: How to Teach Emotional Regulation Skills
• Read: How to Motivate an Unmotivated Teenager
• Read: Why Task Switching is Difficult for ADHD Brains — and 7 Ways to Smooth Transitions

Sensory Sensitivity: Operating with No Filter

Every minute of every day, our brains filter through sensory input from inside and outside of our bodies. But the filters in ADHD brains are sometimes unreliable — allowing too much or too little information to break through. Often, every little input is received and processed in your brain, making you ultra-sensitive to things like how clothes feel on your body, the intensity of certain smells, the lighting in your classroom, and other sensations. Everything competes for your attention.

This is why hanging out with friends can feel so tiring sometimes. It’s not that you don’t like spending time with them, it’s just that your brain heightens the sensations of everything around you, draining you of your energy as you try to handle competing stimuli.

Sensory Sensitivities: Next Steps

• Read: What Is Your Child’s Sensory Profile?
• Read: Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Sticky!
• Free Download: Sensory Issues — Triggers, Symptoms & Types of SPD

Rumination: A Sticky Gearbox

We all have bad days. To move past challenges, you rely on your brain’s gearbox to shift out of negative thinking and cruise into a lighter perspective. If you find that you’re stuck in loops of negative, toxic thoughts, it’s because your gearbox is sticking — a common problem in ADHD due to emotional dysregulation. Once you notice what’s happening, strategies from cognitive behavioral therapy can be incredibly helpful in getting you unstuck.

How to Shift to Healthier Thoughts: Next Steps

• Read: How Do I Teach My Teen to Manage Emotions?
• Read: When Your Child Wants to Give Up
• Read: How Can I Help My Teen Adopt a Growth Mindset?

How to Explain ADHD to Kids and Teens: More Resources

• Free Download: 5 Ways to Build Self-Advocacy Skills
• Read: Your Brain Is a Ferrari
• Read: How Do You Talk to Your Child About ADHD? Advice from Fellow Parents
• Read: Your Brain Is Amazing! 5 Things All Neurodivergent Teens Need to Hear

The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “The Emotional Lives of Girls with ADHD [Video Replay & Podcast #488]“ with Lotta Borg Skoglund, M.D., Ph.D., which was broadcast on January 23, 2024.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

The night Rollins left her husband, he knew what she was planning. “He had his hand on the gun in his holster and he threatened me,” says Rollins. “I remember trying to be strong and saying to my daughter, ‘What is happening now should never happen.’”

Rollins is focused now on trying to heal and cut herself some slack. Getting an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood has been an illuminating part of her journey. “It explains everything,” she says. “How self-critical I was, never feeling good enough, always feeling like, ‘Why can’t I just get it right?’ I think, in hindsight, I wouldn’t have chosen who I chose to marry if I’d known I had ADHD.”

IPV and ADHD

IPV can include physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse executed by a current or former partner. It does not discriminate, and can affect people of any gender, race, socioeconomic status, or level of education, explains psychologist Tami Sullivan, Ph.D., director of Family Violence Research and Programs and professor at Yale University’s School of Medicine. Women, however, are far more likely to be victims. Intimate partner violence is more common among women than breast cancer, diabetes, or depression.

Among women with ADHD, rates of IPV are even higher. Recent research from Berkeley Girls with ADHD Longitudinal Study (BGALS) found that women aged 17-24 who had received a childhood diagnosis of ADHD were five times more likely than their neurotypical peers to experience physical IPV. Greater ADHD symptom severity in childhood was associated with increased risk for IPV. ¹

[Read: Why Adults with ADHD Are Particularly Vulnerable to Gaslighting]

“It’s underappreciated how difficult ADHD can be for girls and women because the consequences are more internal,” says Stephen Hinshaw, Ph.D., lead researcher of BGALS and professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. “Girls with ADHD are smart, but they can’t get it together. As they age, the tendency is depression, very low self-image, unplanned pregnancy, intimate partner violence, and non-suicidal self-injury.”

Risks, however, are not predetermined outcomes, and information is empowering. Below, learn what intimate partner violence looks like, how its impacts are felt, and what help is available.

The Truth About IPV

What IPV Looks Like

• Psychological: threatening, intimidating, humiliating, criticizing, insulting, belittling, blaming, invading privacy, extreme jealousy/possessiveness, dismissing feelings
• Physical: hitting, pushing, slapping, punching, restraining, choking, dragging
• Sexual: coercing victim to have sexual acts or watch pornography, drugging victim
• Technological: tracking location, demanding check-ins, excessive texting, monitoring communications
• Financial: withholding access to bank accounts and credit cards, ruining the victim’s credit, taking the victim’s paycheck

[Read: Why Do Toxic Relationships Swallow People with ADHD?]

Psychological Abuse Is Rampant—and Overlooked

“Media depictions focus on physical and sometimes sexual abuse, showing a woman fearing for her life on a daily basis,” Sullivan says. “By promoting only that stereotype, we do a disservice to women who experience IPV differently, because they think, ‘Well, that’s not me. I’ve never had a bruise or a broken bone.’”

While patterns and specifics of abusive behavior vary widely, psychological abuse is pervasive. Explains Sullivan: “You almost never see physical and sexual abuse alone, without psychological abuse.” Sullivan and her research team collected data from victims of IPV for 90 days and found that psychological violence occurred on 27% of days — 13 times more often than physical, psychological, and sexual violence together. ²

It’s critical to identify psychological abuse because it often appears first, and can lead to physical and sexual abuse, not to mention dire health consequences on its own.

IPV Has Far-Reaching Impact

The health implications of IPV are often severe:

• 51% of female homicide victims were killed by intimate partners ³
• 80% of IPV survivors display trauma symptoms
• 30% of survivors meet criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Survivors are at an increased risk for:

• diabetes: +51%
• total mortality: +44%
• cardiovascular disease: +31% ⁴

IPV is also associated with an increased risk for substance use disorders, depression, anxiety, suicidality, traumatic brain injuries, working memory declines later in life ⁵, and issues of the gastrointestinal, reproductive, and musculoskeletal systems.⁶

And, to be clear, psychological abuse can be as serious and detrimental as physical abuse — even more so, in some cases. “Psychological abuse erodes self-worth and self-efficacy, that feeling of, ‘I’ve got this,’” says Sullivan. “It can be a stronger predictor of PTSD and depression than physical abuse.” ⁷

Healing from Abuse

“Twenty years ago, the mentality was, How do we get her to leave? The approach now is survivor-centered: What does she want to have happen?” explains Sullivan. “Not every person wants the abusive relationship to end; some just want the violence to stop. Providers need to ask, ‘Have you thought about what you want to do?’ This gives the person voice, something that’s often taken away from them.”

Evidence-based therapeutic interventions should be present-centered with a focus on empowerment, Sullivan says. These include Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), STAIR (Skills Training in Affective and Interpersonal Regulation), Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT), HOPE (Helping to Overcome PTSD through Empowerment).

Get Help

If you, or someone you love, is experiencing intimate partner violence, these resources may help:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Call 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
• Love Is Respect, for people aged 13-26, Call 866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522
• National Sexual Assault Helpline, Call 1-800-656-HOPE

*Name has been changed to protect the person’s privacy

Intimate Partner Violence and ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: “We Demand Attention on Self-Harm, Intimate Partner Violence, and Substance Abuse Among Women with ADHD
• Self Test: Is My Relationship Toxic? A Quiz for Adults with ADHD
• Q and A: “What Are the Signs of a Controlling Relationship?”
• Read: “Women Need Better, More Accurate Diagnostic Tools for ADHD”

Nicole C. Kear is Consumer Health Editor at ADDitude magazone.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹Guendelman MD, Ahmad S, Meza JI, Owens EB, Hinshaw SP. Childhood Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Predicts Intimate Partner Victimization in Young Women. J Abnorm Child Psychol. 2016 Jan;44(1):155-66. doi: 10.1007/s10802-015-9984-z. PMID: 25663589; PMCID: PMC4531111.

²Sullivan TP, McPartland T, Armeli S, Jaquier V, Tennen H. Is It the Exception or the Rule? Daily Co-occurrence of Physical, Sexual and Psychological Partner Violence In a 90-Day Study of Substance-Using, Community Women. Psychol Violence. 2012 Apr 1;2(2):10.1037/a0027106. doi: 10.1037/a0027106. PMID: 24349863; PMCID: PMC3859524.

³Jack SP, Petrosky E, Lyons BH, et al. Surveillance for Violent Deaths — National Violent Death Reporting System, 27 States, 2015. MMWR Surveill Summ 2018;67(No. SS-11):1–32.

⁴Chandan JS, Thomas T, Bradbury-Jones C, Taylor J, Bandyopadhyay S, Nirantharakumar K. Risk of Cardiometabolic Disease and All-Cause Mortality in Female Survivors of Domestic Abuse. J Am Heart Assoc. 2020;9:e014580. doi: 10.1161/JAHA.119.014580.

⁵Baker JS, Greendale GA, Hood MM, Karlamangla AS, Harlow SD. Self-reported history of physical intimate partner violence and longitudinal cognitive performance in midlife women. Womens Health (Lond). 2024 Jan-Dec;20:17455057241309782. doi: 10.1177/17455057241309782. PMID: 39707890; PMCID: PMC11663271.

⁶Stubbs, A., & Szoeke, C. (2022). The Effect of Intimate Partner Violence on the Physical Health and Health-Related Behaviors of Women: A Systematic Review of the Literature. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(4), 1157-1172. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838020985541

⁷Mechanic MB, Weaver TL, Resick PA. Mental health consequences of intimate partner abuse: a multidimensional assessment of four different forms of abuse. Violence Against Women. 2008 Jun;14(6):634-54. doi: 10.1177/1077801208319283. PMID: 18535306; PMCID: PMC2967430.

Research suggests that women with ADHD are more likely than their neurotypical peers to engage in sexual exploration at a younger age and to have multiple sexual partners. Their behavior is often an attempt to find validation or soothe the emotional chaos that ADHD can create. For some, it’s a way to fill the void created by low self-esteem or a lack of meaningful connections.

Here’s what that looks like for the women with ADHD who have trouble setting boundaries, misjudge risk, and suffer poor self-esteem: In seeking connection, they find themselves in risky encounters without considering the potential consequences. They tolerate disrespect or unsafe situations to avoid rejection.

Risky Sex and Women with ADHD

Many teen girls and women with ADHD are unprepared to handle the consequences of risky behavior, whether it’s dealing with a sexually transmitted disease or an unintended pregnancy.

Understanding how ADHD affects decision-making, through education and self-awareness, can empower women to take a step back before acting. That can mean practicing how to assert your needs and say “no” under pressure to build confidence in relationships, and using checklists to plan safe dates, manage contraception, and schedule health check-ups.

[Read: How ADHD Impacts Sex and Marriage]

Dealing with Low Self Esteem

From a young age, females with ADHD endure criticism for being impulsive, disorganized, and/or emotionally labile. These experiences can create a narrative of self-doubt, where they internalize the idea that they are the problem. This mindset doesn’t disappear in adulthood and often affects their relationships.

When things go wrong in sexual relationships, due to a lack of intimacy, mismatched desires, or conflicts with a partner, many women with ADHD blame themselves. Self-blame can have a profound impact on self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. It can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness that make it harder to address the real issues in a relationship. Instead of expressing her needs and desires, a woman may withdraw in fear of rejection or criticism.

If you have experienced any of this, here’s how to shift your internal narrative:

[Watch: Are ADHD Symptoms, Medications Affecting Your Love Life?]

Making Healthy Choices

Emotional Hypersensitivity

Women with ADHD are deeply affected by any criticism, real or perceived. If a partner declines intimacy, you interpret it as a rejection because of your low self-worth.

• Do this: Recognize external factors. Work stress, family pressures, or physical health issues can all influence intimacy. Relationship struggles are rarely the fault of only one person.

Difficulty Communicating Needs

Expressing desires or frustrations can be challenging, especially for women who fear being misunderstood. When conversations about sex go awry, it’s easy to assume you’ve done something wrong.

• Do this: Communicate openly. Tell your partner how ADHD affects your emotions. Together, explore ways to navigate challenges without placing blame.

Negative Self Talk

Many women with ADHD have an inner critic who harps on their perceived flaws. This voice can be particularly harsh around the vulnerable topic of sex.

• Do this: Letting go of self-blame begins with embracing your authentic self and recognizing that you deserve relationships in which you feel valued and supported.

Build Intimacy and Healthy Relationships

Breaking the cycle of self-blame is an essential first step toward a fulfilling sexual relationship. Next comes the work of building and maintaining healthy intimacy. ADHD can sometimes create barriers, but you can strengthen your bond by:

• Planning regular moments together when you intentionally block the distractions that steal your attention.
• Focusing on what brings you joy. Physical affection, emotional vulnerability, and shared activities all contribute to a sense of closeness. If medication or stress dampens your libido, get advice about alternatives or supplements that can support sexual health.
• Learning to say “no” to situations that don’t feel right. This empowers you to protect your wellbeing and foster healthy relationships.

You deserve a relationship in which you feel loved, respected, and understood – not despite your ADHD, but because you are uniquely you.

Risky Sex, Hypersexuality and ADHD: Next Steps

• Watch: “ADHD and Sex: Building Focus and Attention for Intimacy”
• eBook: Women with ADHD
• Watch: Living with ADHD – It’s Different for Women 

Susan Young, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in London.

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In a recent survey of 2,263 ADDitude readers, mothers reported that they handle 15 percent more parenting responsibilities than do fathers – no matter their ADHD diagnosis, job, or marital status. In other words, mothers with ADHD shoulder the same unequal division of labor as mothers without ADHD – but with the added burden on weak executive functioning and emotional regulation skills.

While gender roles may be evolving, the gap in the division of household labor and childcare hasn’t narrowed. Mothers still spend more time managing schedules, planning meals, organizing, and doing other household tasks. Needless to say, this lopsided burden of responsibilities takes a mental and emotional toll on neurodivergent women in particular.

“We all have ADHD, but I’m alone at the helm,” wrote one married, 45-year-old mother of two who works full-time and reports fulfilling 90 percent of the daily parenting duties, “They are all passengers, even though I’m just as impaired as they are. It’s profoundly unfair. I have the same condition as my kids and spouse, and I fail at supporting everyone. It’s devastating.”

Division of Labor in ADHD Families

According to the survey, 76 percent of women with ADHD said they experience guilt related to parenting and ADHD; only half of men said the same. Likewise, 63 percent of women with ADHD said they often or always feel judged by others for their parenting, compared to just 25 percent of men.

Mothers were also less likely to feel satisfied with the division of parenting labor in two-parent families, less likely to feel supported as parents, and less likely to find time for self-care. In contrast, the survey found that fathers reported taking 64 percent more time each week for “exercise, hobbies, self-care, socializing, or ‘me-time’” than mothers did.

Compared to their female counterparts, fathers said they were 34 percent more satisfied with their exercise and wellness, 20 percent more satisfied with their diet and nutrition, and 18 percent more satisfied with their hobbies. The bottom line: Men are doing better, and they are doing less.

[Self-Test: Am I Burnt Out? 14 Questions That Reveal Symptoms of Burnout]

Family Stress + Mental Load = Mom Burnout

Where is all of this headed? If you guessed straight into massive, flaming burnout for mothers with ADHD, you were right, according to the nearly 60 percent of mothers with ADHD who reported this. They also said that they were dissatisfied with every facet of their own wellbeing:

• Exercise: 85% dissatisfied
• Hobbies: 79% dissatisfied
• Sleep: 69% dissatisfied

Overall, moms with ADHD reported more stress than their male or non-ADHD counterparts in 12 out of 14 parenting domains, including keeping up with daily routines and schedules, housework, and meals. Only 8 percent said they feel “fully supported.”

[Free Resource: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

“I wish people understood how difficult it can be to manage the mental load of a family while navigating ADHD myself,” wrote a 41-year-old mother of two who works full-time and reports fulfilling 60 percent of parenting responsibilities. “It’s not just about staying organized but also finding the energy to handle tasks when my executive function is already stretched thin. Balancing this dynamic takes constant effort and communication.”

“Stress fried my nervous system…. I was distracted, disorganized, and crashing,” wrote another mother. “I developed chronic pelvic pain, fibromyalgia, migraines, mood issues, and chronic fatigue. And yet, doing self-care was so hard that it didn’t happen until I completely burned out.”

What Moms Wish They Had Known Sooner

ADDitude asked readers: What advice do you wish someone had given you about motherhood with ADHD?

• “Find friends who get you and find a good therapist. Don’t dwell on whether you are doing it right. Your journey will look different, but accept the child you have.”
• “It isn’t a moral failure to have problems with organization or motivation.”
• “You don’t need to explain or justify your parenting to strangers. You don’t know their story and they don’t know yours.”
• “Help your children feel accepted and loved; that’s the most important thing.”
• “Lead with love, don’t be scared to admit fault, apologize profusely, and be extremely fluid. Your ADHD child needs to know that you are human.”
• “Forget every piece of age-old parenting ‘wisdom’ you’ve ever heard. Instead, seek out experts who understand neurodivergence – because we wouldn’t use a suburban house’s electrical schematics to wire a space shuttle.”
• “Since I started learning about my ADHD, I am a better parent and person. I don’t feel as horrible about my shortcomings and have more forgiveness for myself.”
• “Find someone who is going to support you and push you to improve.”
• “Do not measure yourself against neurotypical people.”

Division of Labor in ADHD Homes: Next Steps

• Watch: Living with ADHD – It’s Different for Women 
• eBook: Women with ADHD
• Learn: Married with ADHD – How Real Couples Make It Work

Anni Layne Rodgers is General Manager at ADDitude.

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Growing up with parents who don’t or won’t understand ADHD intensifies so many challenges for children, including those who go without a diagnosis until adolescence or adulthood. Some parents simply don’t recognize ADHD or see it as a “real” condition. As a result, they fail to understand the emotional and academic challenges brought on by it and instead use criticism as an ineffective motivator. When those kids grow into adults with children of their own, they often encounter a gaping hole of unmet needs that they have filled with negative messaging and low self-esteem.

Children of emotionally immature parents — those who were often prioritizing their own needs before their kids’, gaslighting and dismissing them, and generally showing a lack of empathy and validation — experienced similar emotions and long-term effects. Many of these kids grew up feeling manipulated, misunderstood, and lonely. As adults, they may still feel dismissed and minimized by their parents, making it difficult to heal.

Growing up in an unhealthy household can set the stage for lifelong struggles, including problems with mental health, self-esteem, and relationships. As adults, some neurodivergent people wrestle with resentment and pain from childhood, making it difficult to navigate relationships with their parents today.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• About the kinds of messages children internalize in emotionally unsupportive environments and the long-term impact of internalized shame, negative self-concept, perfectionism, chronic anxiety and depression, and relationship problems
• The differences between caregivers who didn’t know better and the signs of emotionally immature and narcissistic parenting
• About the challenges and choices involved in navigating adult relationships with emotionally immature parents, including setting boundaries or ending a relationship when repair is not possible
• How to develop self-care practices to begin healing from the pain of emotionally unsupportive parenting

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Healing from Your Past: Resources

• Read: Are You a Toxic Parent?
• Read: Why Won’t My Parents Accept My ADHD Diagnosis?
• Read: How to Break the Cycle of Authoritarian Parenting
• Read: How to Set Boundaries with Family
• Blog: When Your Child Is a Trigger — Reliving My Own Childhood with Undiagnosed ADHD
• Q&A: “I’m Sure My Mom Has ADHD, But She Refuses to Be Evaluated.”
• From Readers: “What I Wish My Parents Had Known . . . ”

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on May 7, 2025, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option

Meet the Expert Speaker

Amy Marlow-MaCoy, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor and the author of The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook and The Clinician’s Guide to Treating Adult Children of Narcissists. (#CommissionsEarned) Amy specializes in treating adult children of narcissistic and emotionally immature parenting. She is known for her expertise on gaslighting and narcissistic abuse and provides training and continuing education credits on these topics for clinicians. As a late-diagnosed ADHDer, Amy is also intimately familiar with the challenges of growing up in a world that wasn’t made for neurodivergent brains.

In addition to her private practice, Amy is the founder of The Courageous Heart Institute, a learning community for clinicians specializing in treating survivors of narcissistic abuse. Amy supports adult survivors of narcissistic abuse and complex developmental and relational trauma with advanced training in multiple trauma treatment models, including IFS, EMDR, and Brainspotting.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share.

Webinar Sponsor

Growing up with emotionally immature or toxic parents can leave lasting wounds, especially when you have ADHD. Inflow understands the challenges of breaking these cycles and reclaiming your sense of self. Their science-backed program helps you unlearn harmful patterns, set boundaries, and heal in a way that works with your ADHD brain. Take the free ADHD traits quiz to start your journey.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

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No matter how early an ADHD diagnosis comes, isolation is a core part of the neurodivergent experience. It starts early. The school system, designed for neurotypical children, can be rigid and unforgiving. I know it was for me. School fed a negative feedback loop, making me and other children with ADHD believe we were deficient.

Home, a supposed sanctuary, is not always a safe haven either. Denial or minimization of symptoms are common coping mechanisms for our parents who struggle to acknowledge that we are different.

[Read: “All My Friends Are Neurodivergent — and Wonderful”]

Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD meant that adults in my life perennially punished and shamed me for behaviors that I couldn’t help. They genuinely believed I was lazy and wanted to fail. Even today, in my 40s and with an ADHD diagnosis, my family has made it clear that they do not accept the diagnosis and, therefore, do not accept me for who I am.

Why Chosen Families Matter

Families comprise people thrown together by chance and genetics. Chosen families are built on shared experiences, similar life circumstances, and intentional decisions. When our families of origin fail us, our chosen families often fill the gaps.

A group of robust, supportive, reliable, nonjudgmental, and empathetic friends and loved ones make all the difference for those of us on the fringes. They mitigate the chronic frustrations of living with ADHD. They are the antidote to ostracization.

Who is in my chosen family? Other parents with ADHD whom I met through my son’s school, for one. We share our tricks for managing symptoms, but the most important thing we do is “see” one another and offer encouragement through struggles that neurotypical people do not understand.

[Read: “I Found My Neurodivergent Safe Space, Where ‘Socially Awkward’ Is the Norm.”]

Even my doctor is part of my chosen family. I knew this after he told me what no other health care provider in my life has: “You are in control.”

It took some time for my chosen family to come together. What helped me in the early days of my diagnosis was poring through the volumes of online forums, groups, and websites dedicated to ADHD. Though nothing beats in-person bonding, reading about others’ experiences with the condition online made me feel like I wasn’t alone for the first time in my life.

A chosen family helped me regain the self-esteem that was stolen away by living with undiagnosed ADHD for so many years. My ADHD community provides me with unconditional love, support, encouragement, and a safe space to make mistakes without eternal punishment and labels. If our blood bonds cannot provide the former, then we must find others who can so that we may, in turn, be someone’s shoulder to lean on. Our mental health and well-being are too important to leave our community bonds in the hands of an arbitrary family tree.

Chosen Families and Neurodivergence: Next Steps

• Read: “The Gift of a Friend Who Requires No Explanations, No Excuses”
• Read: “I’m Resilient, Strong, and Proud. Thank You, ADHD.”
• Find Your Chosen Family: Join Our Facebook Group & Follow Us on IG

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast. Her writing has been in The Washington Post, USA Today, Newsweek, New York Daily News, Ms. Magazine, and Business Insider. Visit her at mariareppas.com.

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Recently, 246 ADDitude readers in neurodivergent relationships told us how they complement their partners, and vice versa. Many readers shared that their unique strengths provide balance and a bridge to understanding in their relationships touched by ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or other commonly overlapping conditions. Below are the snapshots they shared.

What neurodivergent strengths do you bring to your relationship? Share your thoughts in the Comments section below.

Embracing Neurodiversity in Relationships

“I hate routine. He lives for routine. I bring adventure into his life, and he brings structure into mine.” — Anonymous

“He is very supportive of my tireless search for novelty, career prospects, inventions, and Danish vintage tablecloths. I am very accepting of his deep dives for information and ability to recount the facts.”— Joyce, England

[Get This Free Download: Checklist of Autism Symptoms]

“When I start going down that ‘rabbit hole,’ he’s good at recognizing it and giving me a gentle ‘nudge.’ He’s very supportive of my ADHD idiosyncrasies.”— Carole, Canada

“My partner is great at organizing and making lists and keeping me on track. I’m good at finding creative ways to increase our capabilities.” — Beth, Australia

“We find creative solutions to all kinds of problems: relationships, how to organize something, struggles with work, etc.. Our neurodivergence helps us be the best communicators because we have to be. We think similarly, but our differences make us a ‘complete package.’” — Suzanne, Canada

“I’m impulsive with a schedule-and-planner husband. This keeps things interesting and not stuck in a rut.”— Natasha, Australia

[Read: How Relationships Collapse Under the Weight of ADHD]

“I tend to focus on details, while my partner can see the big picture but totally misses details. My partner is fine with taking risks, but I’m risk averse. We make an amazing team.” — Sarah, Canada

“My ADHD superpower is hyperfocus, allowing me to concentrate on work and become rather successful. My husband’s superpowers are creativity and divergent thinking, leading him to creative and fun pursuits, which add excitement, adventure, and childlike wonder to the relationship. Knowing each other’s ADHD strengths and challenges has allowed us to be more empathetic toward each other.” — Anonymous

“We focus on complimenting each other instead of finding blame. I manage our mental load while he handles almost all the physical tasks.” — Samantha, Pennsylvania

“I have ADHD, and my husband self-describes as autistic. We support each other’s sensory overwhelm, and where I am the gas, he is the brake. He helps even out my impulses, and I help him seize opportunities.” — Christina, South Carolina

“We’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders and have learned to complement each other in places where we used to clash.” — Kellie, Michigan

How Similarities Bridge Understanding

“We see each other’s needs for time alone or time together.” — Anonymous

“Having a partner who ‘gets it’ because they have ‘it’ lifts so much of the burden of having ADHD.” — Matthew, North Carolina

“We often make the same mistakes at different times, so we have the utmost patience and understanding for one another and help each other pick up the pieces to get back on track.” — MJ, Indiana

“It’s been really hard at times, but the diagnoses have helped us contextualize our experiences and approach each other with more compassion.” — Jason, Oregon

“While we don’t always understand the world in the same way, we have shared experiences and can provide support and empathy in ways that neurotypical folks can’t.” — Anonymous

ADHD, Autism, and Relationships: Next Steps

• Free Download: 6 Ways ADHD Sabotages Relationships
• Read: 10 Ways to Save Your Relationship
• Read: We Need to Talk About How ADHD Affects Interpersonal Relationships

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
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Is that what dating with ADHD is like? Hinge, the popular online dating app, wanted to find out. So, it surveyed more than 9,000 “global daters” with an ADHD diagnosis to learn how dating is different for them versus their neurotypical peers. Here’s what Hinge found:

• 82% said they were seeking a relationship but struggled with social interactions and emotional processing
• 75% said they felt misunderstood by their matches because…
  • 43% often forgot to respond to matches in a timely manner (typically 24 hours), so…
  • 32% felt misunderstood when matches assumed they weren’t interested or had ghosted them
• 45% said conversations with prospective matches felt boring and repetitive
• 40% said they felt overwhelmed

[Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

Online Dating Tips

As Valentine’s Day approaches, Hinge offers these tips for daters with ADHD:

• Be upfront about your communication preferences. Say, “Hey, I’m not on my phone often, and I don’t want you to think I’m not interested when I don’t respond immediately. I hope you’ll see that my actions (in person!) speak louder than words.”
• Set reminders. Log in daily to keep the conversations moving forward.
• Shift to a phone or video date to avoid mixed messages or misunderstandings.
• Keep dating exciting. Talk to people who make you feel hopeful and eager to get to know them more.

“Many people have the limiting belief of, ‘There’s nobody out there, all the good ones are taken,’ and that’s not true,” said Amie Leadingham, master certified relationship coach, during the ADDitude webinar “Conscious Dating with ADHD: How to Avoid Toxic Relationships and Find Your Ideal Match.” “It has a lot to do with how we’re choosing and engaging people in the dating process. As you learn to be more mindful, you will attract somebody of quality who can be emotionally available for you.”

Leadingham recommends making yourself a priority during the dating process. This means focusing more on whether someone is a good fit for you instead of people-pleasing and trying to be a good fit for them. “Don’t pretend to be something you’re not,” she said. “Your authenticity is your best attraction tool.”

Don’t rush into a relationship. “Recognize that, with online dating, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg,” Leadingham said. “You’re seeing 10 percent of this person. There’s this whole other 90 percent — their beliefs, world views, values, quirks, flaws — that haven’t come to the surface yet. The goal is to learn about the person and see who they are when they’re not trying to impress you.”

[Free Self-Test: Is My Relationship Toxic?]

The traits that draw you to someone may repel someone else. That’s why it’s so important to listen to your gut (and not other people’s opinions) and take time getting to know someone.

Finding a Match

ADDitude asked readers: What do you adore about your partner with ADHD? Here are some of their heartwarming responses.

“They can find a solution to anything!”

“Energy. Goofy amounts of unbounded energy.”

“Both my partner and I have ADHD. What I love about him are the kind reminders, writing down our activities, and how he knows that I have sensory issues. He has hyperfocus bouts when he makes food, bakes bread, or plays his instruments. He gets so happy in those spaces.”

“His most endearing trait is that he tries to help everyone out. He would give you the shirt off his back in a snowstorm.”

“I love his spontaneous spirit.”

“I’ve been with my husband for 25 years. He’s been all in from the first date, and I’m happy to say this is still my biggest crush.”

“I love him because he loves my crazy and passionate nature.”

Online Dating Tips: Next Steps

• Download: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
• Learn: “How Do I Avoid Oversharing on a First Date?”
• Read: Dating Advice & Strategies for Adults with ADHD

Carole Fleck is Editor-in-Chief at ADDitude magazine.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

“Why couldn’t I be the patient, loving Mom I wanted to be? Why did I have to lose it and yell? Why couldn’t I get my $#!t together to get my kids to school?” On and on my thoughts went. I was spiraling faster, but I needed to find a way out. As the only adult around, I still had to get my kids to school. I was not sure if I needed to scream and shout, hit a pillow, stuff my feelings, or take deep breaths.

With an ADHD brain that is easily dysregulated, morning meltdowns were once normal occurrences for me. Today, these moments seldom occur. That’s because, over time, I came up with strategies to support me in my toughest parenting moments — when my brain was flooded with emotion and overwhelm.

1. Recognize What’s Happening

It sounds unbelievable, but I wasn’t always aware that I was on the verge of losing it. I would only realize that I had been triggered after I exploded. Mornings were rough for me because of my children’s behaviors and the expectations I placed on myself. With my triggers identified, I also realized that nothing good will happen until I can get my brain back to a regulated state. Now, how do I do that?

2. Step Away

I physically distance myself, even if not by much, from stressful stimuli. (My kids are young, so I can’t step away too far. The bathroom is one go-to place.) It sounds easy in theory, but making the choice to create distance with a triggered brain that screams, “ACT NOW! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!” is not easy at all. But I remind myself that I do not want to be reactive, especially around my kids. Until I can do that, it’s in everyone’s best interest that I step away.

[Get This Free Download: Emotional Regulation & Anger Management Scripts]

3. Get Moving

Stepping away isn’t enough. I can say with confidence that being alone in the bathroom does not make me feel better. My body still courses with rage and adrenaline. My thoughts are negative and angry.  My body feels under threat. In Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, authors Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and Amelia Nagoski, DMA, explain that in this state of fight or flight from a perceived threat, moving the body is necessary to complete the stress-response cycle and calm down.

So, I get moving. I push against a wall, do pushups and jumping jacks, or wring a towel. Instead of ruminating in angry thoughts toward my children, I channel my energy toward imagining myself pushing against a stress monster.

4. Counter Shame with Self-Compassion

I’m still not out of the woods once my adrenaline eases up. Shame often fills the space that anger once occupied. Thoughts like, “What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I handle getting my kids to school without losing it like a monster?” run through my mind. When the shame spiral takes hold it hurts not only me but my kids.

As Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Shame is the fear or not being worthy of connection and belonging.” In the shame spiral, I felt it best to keep distance between myself and my kids because my behavior was harming them. However, the therapist and mom parts of me knew that a distant, shut-down parent was just as harmful to them.

[Read: “The Myth of Perfect Parenting — How to Be Human Alongside Your Child”]

Self-compassion is my light in the dark. I remind myself that I am not a monster but a normal, struggling parent. I shift my thoughts from criticisms to self-compassion: “I am not alone. It’s normal to struggle as a parent. With or without ADHD, lots of parents struggle to remain calm and patient in stressful moments. There are probably other parents right this moment struggling to get their kids to school, too.”

With a moment of self-compassion, I can peel myself off the bathroom floor and return to my kids. On that school morning earlier this year, I apologized for my mini outburst and we went on with our day. With time and practice, I am now at a point where I’m able to regain my balance and calm somewhat quickly. As a bonus, my kids are really good at apologizing because I model it for them so frequently.

How to Regulate Emotions as a Parent: Next Steps

• Read: “My Child’s Short Fuse Lights My Short Fuse.”
• Read: The Blessings (and Trials) of Parenting with ADHD
• Read: “Bad Parenting Is Not What They Told Us It Was”

Michelle Puster, M.Ed., is a therapist, blogger, podcaster, mom of three, and founder of Compassionate Heart Mindful Life. Get Michelle’s Free Rage Break, a guided audio PAUSE  for when you are about to lose it or have just lost it with your kiddo(s) and need a moment to regroup.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Parents with ADHD who are parenting a child with ADHD face a double dose of executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, disorganization, and impulsivity. When both parents and children have trouble with time management, planning, and other ADHD symptoms, those difficulties multiply, making neurodivergent-specific parenting skills and strategies essential for the family’s wellbeing.

But here’s a twist: In our treatment program for children with ADHD, we learned that the parenting strategies and techniques that worked best for moms with ADHD weren’t always the same interventions that dads with ADHD found most helpful. In this webinar, we will discuss why parenting can be more challenging when mothers and/or fathers have ADHD. We’ll also discuss the skills and strategies that mothers and fathers with ADHD have reported as being the most helpful when it comes to parenting their children with ADHD.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• About the challenges of parenting children with ADHD when parents also have the condition
• About parenting skills that effectively address common challenging behaviors and situations involving children with ADHD
• About the parenting strategies and skills preferences for mothers and fathers with ADHD who participated in a child treatment program for children with ADHD

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Audacy; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO

Parenting with ADHD: Additional Resources

• Read: 19 Authoritative Parenting Tips for Raising Neurodivergent Children
• Read: A Survival Guide for Parents with ADHD: Strategies from Preschool to High School
• Read: “The Best Neurodivergent Parenting Tips I’ve Ever Received Are…”

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on March 11, 2025, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Christina Danko, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and associate clinical professor at the University of Maryland, College Park. Dr. Danko is a faculty affiliate of the UMD ADHD Program, where her research investigates the impact of evidence-based interventions on the treatment and prevention of mental health disorders for children and their families. Much of her research has focused on children with ADHD, and addresses issues related to parental mental health and parenting. Dr. Danko also serves as Program Director for the Master of Professional Studies in Clinical Psychological Science at the University of Maryland. She is a co-author of Supporting Caregivers of Children with ADHD: An Integrated Parenting Program.

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this webinar is

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Here, we take a closer look at the challenges that hinder friendships and relationships and offer reader-provided solutions for building lasting connections because, as one respondent wrote, “If you don’t try, you’ll never know what could have been.”

Challenge #1: Reaching Out

More than half (55%) of respondents said proactively making plans was their biggest friendship challenge.

Solution: Last-Minute Plans

“I have found the best way to get together with other busy parent friends is to call and ask, ‘What are you doing right now?’ Half the time, we meet at a park or home for a few hours on a random day. This works much better than making plans since it’s hard to prioritize ‘getting together’ over family or other obligations.”

“I make plans at the last minute on the days I feel I can be social.”

Solution: Schedule Check-Ins

“I put my friends’ names in my calendar to remind me to check in, whether we have plans or not.”

“I set a goal to message someone a few times a week and even put it on my to-do list. Otherwise, it will not get done.”

“I schedule a Zoom call with an out-of-state friend, who has similar challenges to mine, every few weeks.”

“My best friend and I like to have phone calls over morning coffee on some weekends. It’s a great way to start the day!”

“I text my friends when I think about them, even if it’s not a ‘convenient time,’ so they know I’m still thinking about them.”

[Get This Free Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults]

Challenge #2: Managing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

RSD is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception of criticism or rejection. It is common in adults with ADHD and impeded the relationships of 43% of survey respondents.

Solution: Be Reflective, Not Reactive

“Take a step back when RSD happens and ask yourself, whether it’s RSD or real.”

“Try to practice not reacting to RSD at the moment and ignoring the urge to catastrophize.”

“The Safe and Sound Protocol has helped a lot with my RSD.”

Solution: Be Transparent

“Let friends know if you struggle with RSD. They may not have ever heard of it, but once they know, they will usually help you find ways to feel less rejected (e.g., by using different wording in text messages, not letting you disappear, etc.).”

“Figure out what triggers your rejection sensitivity and how to communicate it with your loved ones. If they know what might trigger you, they can help you through feelings when they come up (e.g., saying, ‘I’m not canceling because I don’t want to spend time with you; it’s because of x…’).”

[Read: “I Can’t Handle Rejection. Will I Ever Change?”]

Challenge #3: Forming New Social Connections

More than one-third (38%) of respondents said they had difficulty knowing where and how to make new connections.

Solution: Join an Online Community

“Social media keeps me from completely losing touch with my friends.”

“Facebook groups have provided validation that I am not alone and have given me an avenue to help others and connect with other similarly minded folks in my area.”

“Taylor Swift’s online community is welcoming and fun.”

Solution: Join an In-Person Community

“Get involved in something, e.g., a club. It will give you a reason to socialize and can also distract you when the socializing becomes too much.”

“Find a house of worship you like and keep going.”

“Engaging in person is always the best way to meet new friends. I encourage myself to sign up for classes and check out community events whenever possible. Never underestimate the value of a human smile.”

“Focus on planned, short, easy group meetings with people for a finite amount of time. That way, I know how long I need to be ‘on’ rather than sit through a long-drawn-out event.”

“I love board games. I met my partner at a board game store’s open game night.”

“I am in recovery, and I have found a staggering number of friends in recovery groups (12 Step and otherwise) who are also neurodivergent. Spending time with others in a 12-step program with similar problems helps me not feel alone or special — meaning, my problems are unique to me, but I’m not the only person struggling with similar issues. Creating community and abandoning solitude, exceptionalism, and isolation is immeasurably valuable.”

Solution: Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

“Sometimes things feel awkward or uncomfortable — just sit in the discomfort.”

“I push myself occasionally to make plans with friends and family even when I’m too tired.”

“Be friendly, open, and curious. Be brave and introduce yourself at parties or gatherings. If you connect with someone, ask them to connect again through phone numbers or Facebook. Then, invite them out or over for coffee or a walk. Someone needs to make the first move.”

“Strike up a conversation with the wallflowers at gatherings.”

Challenge #4: Finding Your People

Finding friends was hard for 20% of respondents, and so was identifying people who appreciate (not criticize) their neurodivergence.

Solution: Seek Out Neurodivergent Friends

“My closest friends also have ADHD and totally understand and accept not only my quirks but also my absences from online or in-person chats and catch-ups.”

“I’ve always gravitated toward neurodivergent people. Other relationships end up feeling too much like work because of trying to meet their needs and expectations of a friendship, which are often contrary to my own.”

“It helps when your friends also have ADHD or are neurodivergent. It means easier conversations and less judgment. I highly recommend it.”

Solution: Be Transparent with Others

“I’m very transparent with my family and friends regarding my challenges. It’s helpful to say things like, ‘I’m laughing because I’m uncomfortable,’ or acknowledging awkwardness. Verbalizing things helps me recognize my feelings.”

“Tell your friends you struggle to call or make plans, but you haven’t intentionally forgotten or ghosted them.”

“Be open from the beginning, e.g., say, ‘I might cancel plans last minute if I’m having a tough day,’ ‘I will probably forget to send you a birthday card,’ ‘I might not reply to your messages for days or weeks,’ etc. If they’re fine with this, you’re off to a good start!”

“It has helped to let friends know that I have ADHD and may not appear to be listening, but I really am trying. I have also shared that because of my tendency to hyperfocus on a task, I might miss important details they said about their life. And again, I do care and don’t mean for it to seem like I’m disinterested.”

Solution: Be Transparent with Yourself

“I remind myself that not everybody is a good fit for me, just as I am not for others. To find my tribe, I need to interact with many people and let go of many people. It’s the same for others. It’s not personal; it’s a numbers game.”

“Try not to have strong judgments or expectations of other people. Just because you would respond to someone’s message immediately doesn’t mean everybody can or does. Just because you would always be available for someone doesn’t mean they will or can. Really look for people you like. When you meet people, don’t prioritize ‘Do they like me?’ Prioritize ‘Do I like them?’ Spread your social and emotional needs among different people so nobody gets too overwhelmed. Don’t put pressure on anyone to be your everything.”

Challenge #4: Social Anxiety

One- third of respondents said social anxiety keeps them from attending social events or engaging in conversations — all necessary for relationship building.

Solution: Change Your Mindset

“If I feel anxious in a social setting, I treat it like a work setting, where I do fine. I put on a mask initially, but eventually, I will feel comfortable being my genuine self. It’s sort of like ‘fake it till you make it.’”

“When it comes to RSD and social anxiety situations, it has been immensely helpful for me to realize that I have more power than I think I do. If I’m anxious about someone being difficult or unkind, I have the power to be proactively warm, confident, and kind, which (I remind myself) will only make them embarrassed or look bad if they choose to respond with unkindness.”

“Remember that you’re thinking more about yourself than they are.”

Solution: Prepare

“I think about topics I will discuss before going out.”

“Keep practicing! Watch others in social settings. Observe how they interact and think about how you can apply it. Then, practice in little steps. Be patient.”

Challenge #5: Navigating Conversations and Social Cues

The rules of conversation often baffle ADHD brains, which are prone to overshare, interrupt, or zone out. Twenty percent of respondents said navigating conversations and social cues was their biggest relationship barrier.

Solution: Practice Self-Awareness

“I tell friends and family to let me know when I’m doing something that annoys them or interferes with our ability to engage in conversations. I also check back in with them and ask if I’ve interrupted too much or if I’ve made a conversation too much about myself. My self-awareness and my friends’ honesty helped me improve my social behaviors and become a better listener.”

Solution: Hold Your Tongue

“I try to hold back instead of butting into conversations. This can be hard, as I worry that I will forget to say something. Ha!”

“Allow people to speak about themselves. Try not to interrupt. Ask questions without an agenda.”

“Don’t give your opinion, unless you are asked for it!”

“Just stop talking.”

Solution: Notice Details

“I always look for something I like about the person I’m talking to and compliment them on it. This helps me relate, connect, better absorb the interaction, and be present.”

“I use my superpower of remembering small details to build relationships. For example, if someone gives me a T.V. show recommendation, I’ll watch it and text them about it.”

“The Science of People website is so helpful.”

Solution: Be Authentic

“It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be someone you’re not to fit into a group you don’t value or that doesn’t value you. I also find it challenging to engage in small talk, making superficial friendships difficult. Having a few quality friendships rather than many shallow ones is OK. Embrace being the odd one out or someone who doesn’t conform to the norm. Authenticity feels much more fulfilling than conformity.”

“I try to be my most authentic self. I don’t have many friends, but at least I’m being true to myself. Eventually, I will find people who will love and appreciate me for who I am.”

“It is OK to be an introvert.”

“Communicate your needs, notice your boundaries, and don’t try to change yourself for others.”

Challenge #6: Prioritizing My Partner

Our partners are often our best friends, but 23% of respondents said that “prioritizing my partner” was their greatest relationship obstacle.

Solution: Designate Time

“Even when the day is busy, carve out 5 to 15 minutes before going to sleep to talk with your significant other.”

“My partner and I (we both have ADHD) have weekly check-ins where we touch base on how we are doing individually, as a couple, and if there are any ways we can support one another in meeting our goals. It also allows us to follow up on things we may have been putting off or need additional support. It has become an important time for connection and accountability in our relationship.”

“Every day, I actively and genuinely compliment my husband and, where appropriate, express my gratitude for his support of me. Secondly, every day, I do something for my husband without referring to it and without expecting any gratitude or thanks in return. These two actions have significantly improved our lives. Our relationship is closer and kinder.”

“Complete The Fair Play Deck: A Couple’s Conversation Deck for Prioritizing What’s Important (#CommissionsEarned) with your partner when relaxed and feeling good. It has helped me split the domestic load more equitably, pause resentments, and draw a direct line between stuff going on in my partner’s life and why something did or did not get done.”

How to Make Friends As an Adult with ADHD: Next Steps

• Celebrate Every Step! Join the Small Wins Appreciation Network
• Download: Small Wins That Add Up to Big Change!
• Read: 6 Ways to Build and Sustain Healthy Relationships in the New Year
• Read: Bad Texter? Worse Caller? 6 Ways to Rekindle Cold Friendships

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