Behavior & Discipline

What to Do About Your Child’s Attention-Seeking Behaviors

8 tips for using planned ignoring to effectively decrease your child’s attention-seeking behaviors.

Whining. Pestering. Arguing. The most effective way to reduce these and other minor attention-seeking behaviors from your child is by reducing how much attention you pay to these behaviors. Sounds simple, right? In theory, redirecting your attention is rarely easy.

Use the tips below to guide you in putting this behavioral strategy into action. Remember that redirecting your attention takes time and practice to perfect. Some caregivers also work with a professional trained in effectively utilizing this parent strategy.

How to Manage Attention-Seeking Behaviors

1. Ignore the behavior if it is minor and reinforced through attention. This can include:

  • whining
  • arguing
  • interrupting
  • yelling
  • being purposefully annoying

2. Do not ignore or tolerate dangerous, destructive, or unsafe behavior. Intervene to stop those behaviors immediately and implement appropriate consequences.

3. Do pay attention to other concerning behaviors. If your child is dragging their feet about brushing their teeth in the morning, for example, they’re probably not doing it to get your attention. You shouldn’t let your child avoid the task, even if they’re whining about it. (In this case, you should think about strategies to encourage your child to brush their teeth, like setting a tooth-brushing alarm, establishing specific rewards for dental hygiene, or maybe changing their toothpaste flavor.)

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4. Don’t ignore your child outright. While ignoring some behaviors, you’re also waiting for the opportunity to give attention to the behavior you want to see. Meet the desired behavior with positive attention as soon as you see it. Say something like, “Thank you for waiting so calmly as I finish up dinner.”

5. Watch your non-verbal communication. There are plenty of ways you can inadvertently give attention to behaviors. Be mindful of facial expressions, eye rolls, huffs and puffs, crossed arms, stances, and other forms of attention. (This takes lots of practice!)

6. Should you explain to your child why you’re ignoring them? It’s not necessary, but this approach can be effective, provided you are mindful of your tone. Consider using “when-then” statements to encourage the behavior you want to see. Don’t say, “I’m not responding to you because you’re whining. That’s not how we talk to each other.” Say, “When you ask me nicely, then I will answer your question.”

7. Expect the behavior to get worse before it improves. When you withdraw your attention from a behavior that used to get your attention, the problem behavior will often get worse before it gets better. (We call this phenomenon an “extinction burst.”) Everyone at home should be prepared for these behaviors to escalate and to continue to ignore them — provided they are not dangerous.

[Read: How to Leverage Video Game Psychology to Improve Your Child’s Behavior]

8. Be consistent. It is important to make sure that all of a child’s caregivers can clearly define the problem behavior and are on board with the plan to ignore it. Consistently ignoring the problem behavior, while praising the positive behavior that you want to see, will yield the best results.

Attention-Seeking Behaviors and ADHD: Next Steps

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude webinar titled, “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children” [Video Replay & Podcast #481] with Caroline Mendel, PsyD, which was broadcast on November 29, 2023.


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