What Every Parent Needs to Know About Teen Dating Today
Adolescents with ADHD are vulnerable to gaslighting, love bombing, and devaluing. Learn to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship and help your teen break the cycle early in their dating life.
“He would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Then he started telling me I needed to lose weight and that my clothes were too revealing. He said my parents were abusive and didn’t care about me; that he was the only one who truly cared about me.”
“She told me that no one would believe me if I told them she was abusive. She said girls can’t be abusive and that she was just reacting to me being abusive.”
“The more my parents stopped me from seeing him, the more ways I found to see him. It almost became like a challenge. He encouraged me to defy them.”
These are glimpses into toxic relationships, as told to me by a few of my teen clients with ADHD. And their stories are not uncommon. Teens with ADHD may become easy targets for perpetrators of emotional abuse and manipulation due to their lagging maturity, difficulty with friendships, low self-esteem, and other factors.
Toxic relationships are stealthy. They begin with a love-bombing phase, during which a person is lavished with gifts, attention, and ego-boosting compliments. This phase is especially intoxicating and powerful for people with ADHD who finally feel a sense of acceptance. Then the devaluing phase begins; their love interest tells them all the reasons they’re not good enough. Your child might hear, “If you were a little bit taller, that would make you more attractive to me.” Or “Why can’t you just be a good partner?”
[Read: What Are the Signs of a Controlling Relationship?]
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Maybe your kid comes home and is excited because they met somebody. Then, six months later, you start noticing that their sparkle has faded; their personality seems blunted. They don’t seem as close to family members, and they’re not hanging out with their friends as much. This is by design; the perpetrator’s goal is to isolate and gain ultimate power and control over your child.
You might say to your child: “I really love you. It seems like things have changed. You don’t seem as happy. I wonder if you’ve noticed that, too. Let’s talk about this.”
Keep in mind that your child has already gotten the message from their partner that they should not listen to you. This is why it’s important to be non-judgmental. If you say something bad about their partner, your child will defend them to the hilt.
Just having a dialogue with your child, without pointing out how unhealthy their partner is, can be really helpful. And keep communication open.
How to Move on from a Toxic Relationship
Tell your child not to initiate or respond to any communication from the perpetrator. Cutting off contact with them is the most effective solution. They should block the perpetrator on social media to prevent a return to the cycle of pathology. You should monitor your teen’s devices and know who they’re talking to. Find out from your Internet provider about features to help you protect your child.
[Read: The Rules of Dating (and Breaking Up) with ADHD]
When someone leaves this type of relationship, it can be almost like experiencing a drug withdrawal; it’s much more intense than a typical breakup. Parents in this situation need to keep a close eye on their kids and watch for signs of self-harm. Make sure your teen continues taking their ADHD medicine and going to therapy. Check in with them, not just right after the breakup, but over time.
The more time your teen spends away from this unhealthy person, the more likely they will enter and maintain healthy relationships in the future.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship: Next Steps
- Self-Test: Is Your Relationship Toxic?
- Read: Why Do Toxic Relationships Swallow People with ADHD?
- Watch: Toxic Relationship Red Flags and Interventions for Teens with ADHD
Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., is the author of Healing from Toxic Relationships — 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse (#CommissionsEarned)
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