Oppositional Behavior

Defiance, Defused: A Roadmap to Radical Behavior Change

Hard-to-meet goals can frustrate children with ADHD. Deploy these approaches to prevent meltdowns and transform relationships.

Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.
By Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., Updated on May 7, 2025
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When children exhibit concerning behaviors, their goal isn’t to manipulate or seek attention. Those behaviors are communicating that they’re struggling to meet expectations. Their frustration may erupt in screaming, hitting others, or destroying property. Harsh punishment typically follows.

There is nothing effective or compassionate about punishing your child to transform a frustration response. It is better to directly (and proactively) involve your child in solving the root problems that trigger their outbursts. This is the evidence-based approach called Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS), a non-punitive intervention to decrease conflict and enhance relationships.

Follow the CPS model’s roadmap (abbreviated here) to uncover the roots of your child’s concerning behaviors and create lasting, positive change.

Collaborative Problem Solving for The Explosive Child

Be observant.

Identify the skills that make it hard for your child to respond adaptively to problems and frustrations. The mantra of the CPS model is: Kids do well if they can. If your child is responding maladaptively to a problem or frustration, it is because they’re struggling with important skills, such as flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, problem-solving, and emotion regulation.

Identify unsolved problems.

Any expectation your child is having difficulty meeting, even if they can meet it sometimes and not others, is an unsolved problem. It is those unsolved problems that are causing your child’s frustration response (concerning behavior). In the CPS model, rather than try to modify those behaviors, you solve the problems that are causing them. But you have to identify them first. Both skills and unsolved problems are identified using an instrument called the Assessment of Skills and Unsolved Problems (ASUP).

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Prioritize problems.

Once you have a comprehensive list of the expectations your child is having difficulty reliably meeting, pick your top three to address. Here’s a process for prioritizing:

  • Safety first. Are any of your child’s problems tied to dangerous behaviors (like hitting others)?
  • Frequency. Which unsolved problems contribute to concerning behaviors most often?
  • Gravity. Which unsolved problems have the greatest negative impact on your
    child or others?

Your child is your problem-solving partner. The problem-solving process involves the following steps:

1. Gather information from your child about what’s making it hard for them to meet an expectation. It might sound like this: “I’ve noticed you have difficulty turning off your video game when it’s time for dinner. What’s up?” If your child doesn’t answer, make a few guesses. Ask them to rate each guess on a scale of one (not true) to five (very true).

2. Explain why it’s important that the expectation be met. Concerns usually fall into one of two categories: how the unsolved problem affects the child or how the unsolved problem affects others. Typically, concerns are related to health, safety, and/or learning.

3. Work with your child on a solution that is realistic and mutually satisfactory.

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A Win-Win Approach

A father once told me about his young daughter’s reluctance to brush her teeth at night before bed. The father was sure that the taste of the toothpaste was the problem. He bought several flavors but the problem remained. He asked his daughter what was hard for her about brushing her teeth before bedtime. She said, “Water gets all over my face when I brush my teeth, and I hate the feeling.” This was a concern that different flavors of toothpaste would never have addressed.

Next, he outlined his concerns. “If you don’t brush your teeth, you could get cavities, which are painful and expensive to fill.” Then came the invitation to collaborate: “I wonder if there’s a way for us to make sure that you don’t get water on your face while you’re brushing your teeth, and also make sure that you don’t get cavities. Do you have any ideas?”

His daughter said, “Can I wrap a towel around my face before I brush my teeth?”

Problem solved. Both the father and daughter got their concerns addressed, and no one’s authority was undermined.

You may be thinking, “This plan sounds great, but how do I deal with my child’s behaviors during an eruption?” Once your child is escalated, you’re late. You don’t want to be late. The point of this parenting model is to solve problems proactively, so you don’t find yourself in the heat of the moment in the first place.

Collaborative Problem Solving: Next Steps

Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., created the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model of care. He is the author of The Explosive Child (#CommissionsEarned) and Lost at School (#CommissionsEarned), and the founding director of the nonprofit Lives in the Balance.

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